The Three Magic Words

***

"I Am Sorry"
Such a meaningless phrase
After being thrown around
In many insincere ways.
"I Am Sorry"
Such a powerful phrase
With the potential to heal
And set the heart ablaze.

***

People always say, “Better late than never.” But at what point is it too late? Is six years later too late?

***

Where: Gym class. When: Sixth grade. My classmates and I were running across the gym, and genius me didn’t see a girl come up behind me. I accidentally cut her off by crashing into her, and, startled, she fell to the floor.

BAM!!

In the moment, I hurriedly apologized because I was too shocked to say anything else. Then the girl brushed herself off and got back up, and I thought she was fine.

The next day, I found out she was in the hospital and had a broken wrist…because of me.

I felt enough guilt that it should have compelled me to properly apologize to her. However, I never got the chance to. I was going to leave a “Sorry” card for her in her locker, but she was out of school for a week. So I assured myself that I had done what I could and let it go.

When the girl came back, I couldn’t get myself to apologize to her in person because I felt so bad for what I had done. Lucky for me, she gave me the chance to apologize. One day during gym, she and her friend approached me. Her friend sassily asked me, “Aren’t you ever going to apologize for what you did?!”

I stuttered, “I did…okay…I’m sorry?” Sometimes, when people confront you, you just forget how to talk. Here was my perfect chance to give her a genuine apology, and I had blown it. 

The End.

***

~Six Years Later~

Now it’s senior year of high school, and that girl’s wrist has long healed. On the other hand, the guilt inside me for my weak apology had not yet vanished.

Suddenly, some new energy flowed through me. I decided it was time to make a change in my life. It’s time to apologize to people, and it’s time to make things right. If I didn’t do that now, then I would have to live with that guilt forever.  It was now or never. It was better late than never.

***

Two months ago, I was walking through the hallway, and that girl happened to be right in front of me.

Wow, this was just perfectly set up for me. I should just apologize right now, right?

Okay, well, she’s on her phone. I shouldn’t distract her.

Well, so what if she’s on her phone? I can interrupt her for a minute or two.

The devil and angel in my mind continued to argue until I abruptly shut them up. No more waiting for miracles to happen; now it’s time to make them happen. I boldly took a step forward to the girl that I hadn’t spoken to in six years, to the girl that had suffered because of me, to the girl that probably hated me more than I can imagine.

Well, turns out that assumptions can be wrong.

Me: I’m sorry for crashing into you…and breaking your wrist…and never apologizing. <I stuttered a little; she could probably tell I was nervous.>

Her: NO! Oh my gosh, do you know how much I beat myself up for that?! <I thought she meant she was still mad at me, but to my surprise, she was actually mad at herself.>

Me: That still bothers you?!

Her: I was such a bitc* to you! <She was now walking backwards to talk to me since I was awkwardly behind her>

Me: No, it wasn’t your fault! It was my fault! I only apologized to you that day in sixth grade, and then after that you were out of school, but I wanted to make you a card!

Her: It wasn’t even your fault! I was such a bitc* and rude to you after that!

Me: No, you didn’t do anything wrong!

Her: Yeah, I always beat myself up for that. I remember you were always so sweet! <Aww, and I thought she hated me all along!>

Me: I am sorry. I should’ve apologized sooner!

Her: No! I won’t even accept your apology! <Pausing for a few seconds> I’m sorry.

Then we continued to argue for a minute over how we were both sorry and how it wasn’t the other person’s fault. Eventually, she had to leave, so we bid each other a good weekend and continued on our ways.

As soon as I left, tears of happiness came out of my eyes. I felt such relief from apologizing and from being forgiven.

If I had never apologized to her, then I would have lived the rest of my life with a little regret inside of me. If I had never apologized, I would think she still hates me. If I had never apologized, she would never have a chance to forgive me--or to forgive herself.

If you never do, you'll never know. If you feel like there's someone you need to apologize to, then go ahead and do it. It doesn't matter how long ago the mistake actually occurred. Just do it!

Until you apologize, the hurt feelings may last forever. And if the other person doesn't forgive you, then hey, at least you did your part.

So how do you say sorry properly?

So what makes apologizing so hard? There are many reasons that people don't want to apologize: it lowers your self-esteem, it makes you feel shameful, or it allows other people to place the blame on you now that you've admitted you're wrong.

Here's the catch: those aren't reasons. Those are excuses. So here are reasons you should apologize when you know you've done something wrong:

-It can restore a relationship.

-The person who receives the apology gets closure.

-The person apologizing no longer lives in guilt and shame.

-Once we apologize and take the blame for an action, we are less likely to repeat that action.

Apologizing is sacrificing your own ego to admit your fault.

So the power of apology is undeniable--when you've actually done something wrong. A fake or forced apology just kills the whole point of saying sorry.

Apologize when you messed up or when you hurt someone or when you know you can do better next time. Don't apologize for being honest or for being yourself. 

So as an answer to Justin Bieber's "Is it too late now to say sorry?"...No, it really never is.

So You Think You Know Your "ABC"s?

 “Feelings are much like waves. 

We can't stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf.”

Every so often, we wake up in the morning in a cranky mood. Right from the beginning, we assume that today will be a bad day. But does it really have to be that way? Are our emotions in control of us, or are we in control of them?

The answer is that we control our emotions.

Imagine this. Someone says something rude to you. Instantly you feel your face getting hot as anger overwhelms you. So obviously, this person made you mad. Right?

Wrong.

You made yourself mad. 

Stop and pause for a minute. 

Someone saying something rude to you was the activating event. You getting angry was the consequence. It's easy to think the consequence is the direct result of the event. 

But there is something in between, and that is the belief. You thought something to yourself that actually made you angry. Likely, you told yourself, "This person has no right to insult me!" or "That was so rude! How dare they say that!" 

According to psychologist Albert Ellis, our emotions follow an "ABC" model. 

Whenever presented with any unpleasant feelings, Ellis claims that we should ask ourselves, "What am I thinking to make me feel this way?" 

The self-defeating and unreasonable beliefs we have may surprise us.

We convince ourselves that things should be done a certain way, and if they're not, then it's a disaster. Examples of some irrational beliefs according to Ellis are the following:

• "You absolutely must have love and approval from virtually all the people who are important to you."
• "You must be completely competent in all your activities in order to feel worthwhile."
• "People must treat each other fairly, and it's horrible when they don't."
• "It's awful and terrible when there is no clear or quick solution to life's problems."

Our irrational beliefs lead us to feel negative emotions. We only experience negative emotions because we allow ourselves to.

Many times, we accept these negative emotions. We justify them rather than challenging them. If we wake up in a bad mood, we try to find a reason for that bad mood rather than replacing the negativity with positive thoughts. Even if there is nothing wrong, we like to come up with some reason to be in a bad mood.

Thus, negative consequences occur. Distorted thinking is the cause of emotional problems. Cognitive therapy is based on the seemingly simple idea that we need to change our unrealistic beliefs to more rational ones. 

No one is confined to a negative mindset. 

What a sad world it would be if we had no control over our feelings. Any situation would have the right to make us happy, sad, angry, jealous, nervous, stressed, and so on. 

Luckily, we don't live in a world like that. 

It's about time we take advantage of what we can control. People like to have power, yet they let others decide what they feel. 

Changing these irrational thoughts is the solution to negative feelings. It is up to us to challenge and correct our faulty patterns of thinking.

Using the "ABC" model helps us understand that we are liable for our own emotions. 

People can do behaviors that are irritating, but we don't have to get mad. They have done their action, but your reaction is entirely up to you.

No one else has an on and off switch to your emotions. 

It's not like someone can simply turn the switch on, and voilà, you're mad. Nor can someone turn it off and suddenly you're no longer mad.

You have the switch to your own emotions. 

You can turn off the switch to anger when you don't want to be angry. You can turn on the switch to happiness when you want to be happy. 

Understanding your feelings is the first step to controlling them and choosing which ones to surf.

Happiness is a choice. Choose wisely!

*****

Check out this article for more: "Total Control vs. No Control Theory of Emotions: Can you control your emotions or not?"

"Five Point Someone"--A Home Run!

Numbers. 
They are used to do algebra problems; they are used to count money, and they are used to label people.

Throughout high school, your GPA defines you. A person with a perfect 4.0 is a genius. A person with a 2.0 will be a college dropout, if they even end up going to college--they'll probably become a druggie first.

My life has been so much about getting straight A's, and I regret not being more involved in other activities. I continuously try to convince myself that no matter what teachers say, grades aren't everything.

Although being a student is only a part-time duty, I felt obliged to be a quintessential student 24/7, that is, until I read Five Point Someone. 

Plot

Five Point Someone is Chetan Bhagat's first novel, but it's far from an amateur's work.

The plot revolves around three students--Hari, Ryan, and Alok--that make it into one of the Indian Institutes of Technology (IIT), the most prestigious engineering colleges in India. It follows them through their four painful years at IIT and the bittersweet moment of graduation.

Faced with professors that dump them with homework, parents that are unsupportive, and classmates that sneer at their pathetic five point GPAs out of ten, these three students resort to a life of vodka, marijuana cigarettes, and cheating.

And then they are labelled as numbers: five point someones.

If that's not bad enough, the narrator Hari falls in love with a professor's daughter. And not just any professor. Professor Cherian had a perfect GPA of 10 when he attended IIT. Would he have high expectations for a potential son-in-law? You bet!

The friendship between these three boys is tested multiple times as they try to beat the system and end up getting into loads of trouble. They claim the strict IIT system limits their creativity and thus become rebellious, and their lives go downhill from there.

Themes

Without spoiling the plot too much, Five Point Someone is a dark story that fuses romance and societal problems. It addresses a variety of topics, from an unfair education system to suicide, from love to jealousy. The romance keeps the novel moving by adding spice in the solemn scenes.

I'm a sucker for romance, yet most romance novels are predictable: boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they are an unlikely match, but what do you know? They fall in love and live happily ever after!

Five Point Someone is an exception.

Although romance is one theme of the novel, Bhagat's novels always have a deeper underlying message. (Revolution 2020 by him also has an amazing message!) That's what makes his writing different. He doesn't write to impress; he writes to express.

Expression

Rather than analyzing boring statistics about how the Indian education system is faulty, he brings to life the fictional story of one of the system's victims himself. Who is that victim? It's the narrator Hari, but it's also the reader that becomes entrapped in Hari's body while reading his story. Bhagat has nailed winning over readers by influencing their emotions.

I'm really not a passionate reader. I know people who cry when their favorite character dies or throw their book across the room after a bad scene. I only become that person when reading one of Bhagat's books.

While reading Five Point Someone, I honestly forgot about my own life and felt like the narrator of the book. Although the choices Hari makes in his life are ones I'd never make in mine, I could relate to him solely because of Bhagat's use of detail to make me feel like I'm actually there.

Humor

Bhagat also puts humor into his novels.

The teenage boys' tones drip with sarcasm, what our generation would call "flames," which perfectly matches the tone of your typical immature college students.

For instance, one of the heartless professors defines a machine as "anything that reduces human effort" (Bhagat 9). Ryan, one of the three boys, retorts in a smart-aleck way, "Sir, what about a gym machine, like a bench press or something? ... That doesn't reduce human effort. In fact, it increases it" (10). I couldn't help but snicker.

Humor is sprinkled throughout the story. While it makes the novel entertaining overall, it also provides comic relief during the more serious scenes.

For example, the three friends have been caught cheating and are sitting on the dormitory roof, awaiting their professors' decision for their punishment, most likely expulsion. The three boys are all at a loss of words during this stressful time. All Ryan says is, "It's cold here," and "It is really high here" (208-209). Hari makes an amusing thought to himself: "If there is one thing men completely lack, it is the ability to communicate during tough moments. Alok and I have no words at all, while the best Ryan can come up with is comments on our thermodynamic and spatial state" (209).

At the end of the story, it is Graduation Day in Hari's dream. Professor Cherian makes a speech where he publicly admits his mistake of being a terrible professor and father. Hari thinks, "I kind of felt sad and for the first time felt he just may have a heart" (264). Although the topic is grave, Bhagat finds a way to incorporate humor anywhere.

So what's missing?

The ending of the novel didn't satisfactorily wrap up everything. For me, an ending that ties together all the loose threads of the plot is the perfect icing on the cake. This novel is a delicious cake, fluffy and rich, yet it lacks icing.

It just wasn't a novel where I closed the book with a smile. Instead, I flipped through the last pages thinking, "That's it? That's the end?" However, the message at the end made up for the cliffhanger ending.

Effectiveness

Five Point Someone by Chetan Bhagat is heavy with dialogue, making it a light read although it covers deep topics.

Bhagat explicitly states the message of the novel during Hari's dream where Professor Cherian is delivering a speech. The professor regrets judging students for their pitiful GPAs and admits:

"GPAs make a good student, but not a good person" (264). 

Just because you don't have the best grades doesn't make you any worse than anyone else.

Professor Cherian also gives this message to his students (which is intended toward the readers) in Hari's dream:

 "One, believe in yourself, and don't let a GPA, performance review or promotion in a job define you. 

There is more to life than these things--your family, your friends, your internal desires and goals. And the grades you get in dealing with each of these areas will define you as a person" (264).

"Two, don't judge others too quickly. 

I thought my son was useless because he didn't get into IIT. I tell you what, I was a useless father. It is great to get into IIT, but it is not the end of the world if you don't. All of you should be proud to have the IIT tag, but never ever judge anyone who is not from this institute--that alone can define the greatness of this institute" (264).

"And lastly, don't take yourself too seriously. 

We professors are to be blamed even more for this. Life is too short, enjoy yourself to the fullest. One of the best parts of campus life is the friends you make. And make sure you make them for life...Sometimes I wish I had had a good friend, even if that meant a lower GPA" (265).

Five Point Someone hit a home run with the point that a GPA isn't everything.

After all, it's just a number.

Language: a Barrier or a Bridge?

*****

I am the glue

That helps the world unite.

I am the wall

That leads others to fight.

To feel my presence,

You don't need to have sight.

I am always there

Whether it is day or night.

I am language;

In the darkness, I am the light.

*****

The first time I saw her, she was cleaning toilets.

I was at a religious event in London, and hundreds of people swarmed past me as I dashed toward the porta-potties. As a volunteer, I slid on my plastic gloves and braced myself for cleaning the area around the bathrooms.

Surprisingly, when I reached the bathrooms, I wasn't alone. At this event, 99% of the people were Indian, so of course I was caught off guard when I saw a fair-skinned girl plumbing the toilets. She was so immersed in her work that she didn't notice me walk in. She wasn't bothered by the weird looks she got from others for being a "foreigner." She was doing her duty, and that was all that mattered.

I proceeded with my task of picking up toilet paper shreds off the floor, only sneaking glances at the girl once in a while. I wanted her to know that she was amazing for doing what she did. I wanted her to know that she was making a difference. So I decided to tell her.

And then what?

By the end of my conversation with her, I learned two things: the girl's name and the importance of language.

Here's a transcript of our conversation:

Me: I just want you to know that I respect you for helping around here!

Her: <blank stare>

Me: I...respect...you???

Her: <pointing to the toilet paper in my hands> That rubbish?

Me: Uhhhhhh??? Do you speak English?

Her: No...I'm from Hungary. <I could tell she was listening closely to try to understand me.>

Me: What's your name?

Her: Kidti. 

Me: Well, I think it's really awesome how you're cleaning here. We appreciate it!

Her: <another blank stare>

Me: I look up... <I pointed up at the sky>...to you <I pointed to her>...

Her: <shaking her head to tell me she didn't understand>

Me: I admire you???

Her: <still shaking her head>

Me: I revere you???

Her: <back to her blank stare>

Me: You're doing a good job???

Her: <looking insulted--clearly she had understood me wrong> I'm sorry. <turning away>

Me: Wait, Kidti!

Her: <turning around>

Me: <thumbs up to signalize "good job">

Her: <understanding and then smiling> Thank you!

From that day on, I never took communication for granted.

The language barrier I had with Kidti made me realize the value of language. I couldn't even tell someone that I respect her because we spoke two different languages. For us, language was a wall that limited us from expressing ourselves.

Plot twist!

But language doesn't only separate people. It also connects them. It opens doors to let our words flow into others and others' ideas into us. It allows us to understand and be understood.

Imagine this...

A world without words. A world without language. A world without any sort of communication at all.

I bet you can't imagine that. Communication is part of everything we do, from talking to listening, from sending a text to using body language.

A world without language is where every man is for himself. Friendship would be nonexistent, and without communication, every other human being is an alien to you.

It's about time we realize that we are so blessed with what we have: language!

Because of language, we are able to tell each other what we are feeling and what we are thinking. We are able to have other people empathize with us. We are able to form meaningful relationships with other people that share our language.

Communication is supposed to facilitate relationships and help people understand us. Then why is it sometimes used for exactly the opposite purpose: to express anger, hatred, or negative emotions?

So now what?

Next time you speak, make sure you have something nice to say. Think twice before criticizing someone. If it's going to hurt, then it's better if you don't say it at all. Words should be used sparingly, and language should be used wisely.

A songwriter once said: "What's the point of language if you don't say what you feel?" Well, what's the point of language if you don't say something nice?

"Use language as a tool, not a weapon!"

After all, that's what language is. It's a tool to help us connect to one another. In the darkness, it's the light.